Friday, October 31, 2008

Jesus Swept

Really I have nothing to say...

I just realised that my first month blogging started out with an impressive 20 or so blogs..
but this past month has seen but a dissapointing 4...

This blog has a double purpose you might say

1. To make excuses and
2. To bring the number to 5(which while being but one more than four represents, as some numbers do, a leveling up.)

So, to explain myself, to my 1 loyal follower and the countless masses of you who eat up my blog on the sly...there isnt much to say

ive been tooling around with cs3 but dont have much to show for it

...oh but no one wants to to hear bitching and excuses...

I gotta get ready for halloween anyway...

I could go ahead and post 15 more blogs each featuring my favorite celebrity babies or how to turn a pretzel dog into a suitable life partner...and ratchet that blog count up...but both you and i know...its only down hill from here.

If your into number games, i've reached a glorious 100 blogs on myspace this week

nevermind the pretentious URL...the blogs actaully are softened with a generous amount of potentialy disarming irony ...or there is just enough dick jokes to keep you from falling asleep...whichever you like..

This little slight of hand trick is the best I can do for now loyal follower and countless shadow dwellers...

Next time i'll have something to say before I tap you on the shoulder.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Lazy archers are Easy targets

As I was walking out of the grocery store earlier i saw a machine that apparently dispenses dvds...i'm sure this phenomenon is well known by now in fact i remember seeing one of these machines at Mcdonalds some years ago. Anyhow...there was an ad on the screen for a movie called "College Roadtrip" Seeing this angered me in several ways which i will state now:

1. At first glance I expected that this was somebody trying to pass another college road trip movie off as legit. If i have to see the cover of one more shitty National Lampoons teenage sex romp i think I think i might find a way to kill myself with a flute.

Over the past ten years the key word in National Lampoon has obviously become poon.

2. After getting myself all worked up, I realized with a title like that it could have been a parody, who knows.... i wont look it up...this is a blog...i'm gonna speculate...Anyhow, sure if it is a parody then it is validated by the fact that these movies have become so cliche and ubiqutous...But then, you have to think about whose making parodies these days...specifically, parodies with such obvious titles...Right, those idiots who make the "Scary Movie" series and all that other disposible nonsense...if it is a parody its probably their's in which case its just a sad parody of their own inability to do anything new or interesting or even funny...Which is doubly frustrating since by making these dime-a-dozen fart reels they some how make it less original or interesting to make an actual worthwhile satire of these tropes(or it feels like this anyhow).

3. Scary Movie 2 the first and only of the "scary movie" series i dared to watch represents a milestone for me. It was the first movie i watched where I thought " i can't watch this anymore I feel like its actually making me less intellegent" and I turned it off ...David Cross how could you!
The fact that these movies continue to be made and continue to be popular touches a deep misanthropic wound that i've been trying to heal/pick since i was a teenager.

4. The best I can do is to parody the idea that this is allowed to exist which allows me to a.) feed the uncomfortible little passive aggressive demon I gave birth to in those those formative years
with little bits of tabloid style absurdity, such as this, which he can eat up and strengthen himself to tear the fabric between my sense of reason and action until i can't even take myself seriously. But, this is highly fashionible which leads me to b) Relish this chance to digest the surreal pizza of consumer culture and shit it out as humor to try and impress my girlfriend(and you dear reader).

But after the joke wears off its still there.

Which bring me to another question... Why or no HOW can anyone still care about what Britney Spears does?! And when will this joke end? What is the culture trying to prove? Are we somehow being guilt tripped into paying reverence to the monsters this culture has created? I bet you didnt realise you were in for such a rant did you?! Does Britney in some way represent to parents a worse case senario? Is she a cautionary tale? What about Lindsey Lohan does her irresponsible and shameful behavior somehow validate the more modest ethos of your average supermarket shopper?

It took me a bit to find that file...and I lost my line of thought.

So here's another disturbing nugget...

At long last, i've got CS3 up and running...

I immediately started up After Effects and attempted to decipher its futuristic hyroglyphs...after failing at this, I decided to just mash my keyboard randomly...and it spit something out...

Then it was on to Photoshop. Like Jello and Band-aids before it, Photoshop has become so popular it's just what you call manipulating images...and for good reason...When i started with this picture of a demon it was alive and well....and a lady!

Then I thought I'd try my hand with at advertising industry's standard, Illustrator.
I've created an energy drink and i think Illustrator has allowed me to tap into my key demographic...

Now that I've completely mastered CS3 I will now be considering any job offers you may have for me...


Tuesday, October 7, 2008

an informal introduction to the spending of distances

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the enreitty of snow loeaprd polputaonis be mnooeirtd and roesipoietnd sfleay in the staroptrehse bferoe the cmemnoemenct of the coming aoclpaypse. The rest of you ugly amnials can inneractie itno etxntcioin pelis. In juess name we pray. Amen.

tell yuor ulgy mom taht as soon as i get my el cmanio back from sohp, im gnnoa come oevr and tkae her on a joy ride.

when the glaaxy runs out of latieutrre, how are we gion to mualniapte the wliedsbeat pnrtecaeges?

varibilte curonoicpas of legaendry geiusens will uodnbtudley rleaotce witihn the sdvubiiosins of yuor illurosy ptnialaton.

these bognola fromations will icnaresngliy udnergo intneral rerevbreianots iannudntig the lasdpance copmeltley and compltinciag frutehr the ldscaniapng duetis. Unednrteah tehse ubenilevbale lnucmhaet stlaaigtems lies the infbelafe launggae of the nautarl unvirsee.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Some days you tease your beard with a fork...all the gas stations have free air...and the world seems like a hot young Mother Teresa and you've got your head in her lap.

clouds of bees form and steal your potency.

grind your gums together and groan yourself into a dream sequence

go on, let your insecurities swagger .......

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