Sunday, November 30, 2008

Hey there kids...i hope you dont mind me sayin' a few things about oats...

A' course everyone knows that if you add water to oats, well that's Oatmeal

But did you know, if you add water to Oatmeal you get Porridge?

Thats right, Porridge, the food of choice for Orphans and Hobos is just watered down Oatmeal.

Or, if you still want more water in your oats, so much water that theres hardly any oats at all....thats Gruel!

A favorite at prison camps.

But what about Grits?

Well, and this ain't no shit, grits is just a fancy name for porridge.

If you don't believe me, well you can just go on ahead and look it up on that there computer of yours they got numbers and shit to prove it

and i'll tell you something no scientist is gonna tell ya', you cock-eyed little sum' bitch...i eat a gallon of oats every gott damn day and it keeps my dick harder than a japanese guitar solo

Hit me

I dare you


remember to check your blood sugar
and check it often
...or i'll tickle you till you bleed

Monday, November 24, 2008

Batman vs. Turkeyman

The mayor of the city Batman in Turkey is suing Warner Bros and Director Chistopher Nolan for royalties from "The Dark Knight"

"The mayor is prepping a series of charges against Nolan and Warner Bros., which owns the right to the Batman character, including placing the blame for a number of unsolved murders and a high female suicide rate on the psychological impact that the film's success has had on the city's inhabitants"

This unprecedented lawsuit could set off a chain of similar litigations

For instance, what would keep the king of Nepal from going after 70's rock icon Bob Seger for royalties associated with the hit Katmandu

If successful, Turkey could effectively put a stand still on this years Thanksgiving Day celebrations, demanding a cut of the profits from every Butterball sold...

When reached for comment one Turkish ambassador had this to say:

"My barbor didn't know when you?"

Cryptic at best...

Though, not all cities on the world stage are behaving in such a way.

Citizens in one Japanese town are happy to share a name with another dark knight...

Of course its all just a way for this glassy eyed turk to drum up some publicity for his town that's know for little more than a high suicide rate for female outcasts. He actually has no case being that the town was named in the 50s. Long after Batman (the character) was introduced in the 30s.

If you wanna go after someone go after Danzig...You hear me Germany? Sue the leather pants off of him...and the fish net sweater...and those shitty tatoos...Man, i hate you Glen Danzig

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Call for Musicians

Would the following musicians please get in touch with me.

I want to start a band.

We will be known as Shoe String Joe and the Fancy Bastards

Shoestring I think you know who you are.

P.S. I don't mind playing bass.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Advancing Foreheads

Now that the election is out of the way and everyone has had a chance to settle back into thier daily lives, I think its time that we address one of the fastest growing problems in America...of course im talking about Balding-Men-Who-Shave-Their-Heads.

By my estimation this started in 1990s and reached it's tipping point somewhere around the release of the movie "Pitch Black"

Observe the 2 photos here...and instead of asking yourself..."Which guy is more likely to drive a motorcycle out of a helicopter?" ask yourself "Which guy could I trust not to sleeze on my girl?" or "Which guy would i want on my kickball team?"

You'd choose the second one every time. Why? because he doesn't look like an alien that just dug its way out of your colon and swam to the city's water supply to disperse it's alien spermatazoa amongst the good hairy people of your town.

Now dont get me wrong, As a man with an advancing forehead myself I can sympathize with the baldies. And I'll agree with you that some people should be allowed to be completely bald. Those include:

1. People with alopecia
2. Athletes
3. Old people
4. Sinead O'connor

The rest of you need to realize something.
Shaving your head isn't fooling anyone!
And by no means is a goatee distracting people to the fact that you're bald...
I'm looking at you Howie Mandell...

What's the deal with the Gypsy Earrings
You're not Mr. Clean!

It seems anyone who starts to get a little thin on top is running for the razor. While this is better than donning a toupee its the next worst thing. Instead of out-right lying...It's merely equivocating!

There was once a time when men would shave themselves bald on top and leave the sides!
These men were Samurai, histories most feared and respected warriors.

Let's take a historic look back then at who let themselves go bald naturally and who shaved

Naturally Bald:
1. Ben Franklin
2. William Shakespear
3. Pablo Picasso

1. Jesse Ventura
2. Ahmet Zappa
3. Various Pirates, Gypsies, and Rapists
4. Insert the guy you know here.

Even the comb-over beats the shaved-head-look!

It may be too late. This may all be in vain but...

Please!...Let yourself go bald not saying grow a power-skullet...

but let's face it you're not a Buddhist monk and you're not going
to be starring in Transporter 3 so you may as well settle for being human.