Sunday, November 9, 2008

Advancing Foreheads

Now that the election is out of the way and everyone has had a chance to settle back into thier daily lives, I think its time that we address one of the fastest growing problems in America...of course im talking about Balding-Men-Who-Shave-Their-Heads.

By my estimation this started in 1990s and reached it's tipping point somewhere around the release of the movie "Pitch Black"

Observe the 2 photos here...and instead of asking yourself..."Which guy is more likely to drive a motorcycle out of a helicopter?" ask yourself "Which guy could I trust not to sleeze on my girl?" or "Which guy would i want on my kickball team?"

You'd choose the second one every time. Why? because he doesn't look like an alien that just dug its way out of your colon and swam to the city's water supply to disperse it's alien spermatazoa amongst the good hairy people of your town.

Now dont get me wrong, As a man with an advancing forehead myself I can sympathize with the baldies. And I'll agree with you that some people should be allowed to be completely bald. Those include:

1. People with alopecia
2. Athletes
3. Old people
4. Sinead O'connor

The rest of you need to realize something.
Shaving your head isn't fooling anyone!
And by no means is a goatee distracting people to the fact that you're bald...
I'm looking at you Howie Mandell...

What's the deal with the Gypsy Earrings
You're not Mr. Clean!

It seems anyone who starts to get a little thin on top is running for the razor. While this is better than donning a toupee its the next worst thing. Instead of out-right lying...It's merely equivocating!

There was once a time when men would shave themselves bald on top and leave the sides!
These men were Samurai, histories most feared and respected warriors.

Let's take a historic look back then at who let themselves go bald naturally and who shaved

Naturally Bald:
1. Ben Franklin
2. William Shakespear
3. Pablo Picasso

1. Jesse Ventura
2. Ahmet Zappa
3. Various Pirates, Gypsies, and Rapists
4. Insert the guy you know here.

Even the comb-over beats the shaved-head-look!

It may be too late. This may all be in vain but...

Please!...Let yourself go bald not saying grow a power-skullet...

but let's face it you're not a Buddhist monk and you're not going
to be starring in Transporter 3 so you may as well settle for being human.

No comments: